


Plans (going astray)

by never_bloom_again



Series: Deserving of Love (Hotch/Rossi) [10]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner Has Issues, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Hurt/Comfort, Jack is sweet, M/M, Near Suicide, Rossi is a good friend, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Aaron Hotchner, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Things Get Better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24230452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_bloom_again/pseuds/never_bloom_again
Summary: Aaron says goodbye. But Rossi might be able to save him.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Haley Hotchner, Aaron Hotchner & Jack Hotchner, Aaron Hotchner/David Rossi, past Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner - Relationship
Series: Deserving of Love (Hotch/Rossi) [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1723459
Comments: 4
Kudos: 63





	Plans (going astray)

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this took a while, but I hope you enjoy this! I lied though, the confrontation will happen next instalment, but this gives some more insight into Aaron's state of mind. This deals with suicidal thoughts and there is a near suicide, so be aware if that could trigger you.

Aaron had forgotten how much he loved spending time with his son. He loved Jack more than anything in the world, and would give anything to make the world better for him. That was one of the reasons Aaron didn’t feel any guilt over his plan. By doing this, he was making life better for him. He had to believe that, or there was no way he could do this, despite knowing deep down most people would be happier.

He convinced himself it was for this selfless reason, making Jack’s life better. But if he were to be truly honest, it was largely selfish. He was losing so much in his own life, and didn’t think that he could really survive without it. 

He couldn’t give up his job - the one that he enjoyed, despite the horrors that they face - his family - the second home he had found in the people that he worked with, even if they didn’t love him the same - and the love of his life - David Rossi, who probably would never even like him as more than a friend. He couldn’t give it all up, not even if he had his son to fall back on. 

He would be a better father as just a memory, as just a series of stories that Haley, Jess, and maybe even the team (if Haley decided they weren’t too much of a bad memory of how Aaron had refused to give them and the job up) would tell him, as a father shaped to be exactly who Jack wanted him to be, the hero who he would never have to see the flaws of, or the villain, who left him so young. 

If he stayed around, he had two choices - his life was going to hell and he was losing all he loved, and that could lead to two things - he could be a father who lives vicariously through his son, with nothing else keeping him going from day to day, who Jack would eventually grow to resent, or to be like his own father, teaching him lessons with the sharp sting of harsh words, a belt, and a fist.

He couldn’t be either of those, eventually hurting his son the same way that his father had hurt him, or in a slightly different way, but just as badly. He couldn’t do either of those. He didn’t want to think he could, would do either of those things, but it was in his blood to be a bad father. And he swore on his life that he would never do anything to hurt Jack if he could avoid it. It would break him, and he was already broken enough.

He watched as Jack happily chattered away about nothing in particular, in a way that almost reminded him of Spencer - just with a lot less statistics. The clock was too close to 5.00pm, when Haley would take him from Aaron once again, the way she always did, ever since that first time that she packed up and left, off to go be with some man she had been sleeping with.

Aaron resented her for doing so, although the more he thought about it, he realised that it wasn’t as much because she left him for another man, but because she had tried to get the man, had been able to get the other man. He had been hiding his own feelings of love for someone else for so long and had been too much of a coward to do anything, and Haley went and did it for a man she barely knew.

That brought him back to the issues he was facing. He had finally reached out, tried to have confidence, was honest with himself and David, and it didn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t go well. He knew it when he went into it, but he threw caution to the wind, never properly thinking it though. Well now he had. He knew what he had to do. 

The beep of a message on his phone drew him out of his own mind. It was Haley, telling him she was just 5 minutes away.

“Hey Jack, Mummy is almost here, do you want to pack up your stuff?” Aaron said, knowing this would be the last time that he said that to his son.

The look of excitement on Jack’s face nearly broke him. He knew realistically it was to be expected - his son would obviously be more happy to be with his fun, happy mother than his boring, dull father. It was all the proof he needed that his son would be fine without him.

Aaron began to help Jack pick up his toys and put them in his backpack. By the time they were all packed away, he only had 2 minutes left. 

“Jack, you know that Daddy loves you more than anything in the whole world, right?” His voice betrayed him, shaking slightly as he talked to his son. 

“Yeah! I love you too.” He replied, unaware of what his father planned to do not long after he left.

Aaron was about to speak again, tears threatening to spill from his eyes, when he heard the doorbell buzz.

Jack quickly ran to the door, jumping on his toes, “Mummy!” he exclaimed after he reached up and opened the door. Aaron followed quickly after him, taking a moment to collect himself, trying to turn on his standard stoic expression. 

He exchanged curt pleasantries with Haley, before kneeling down and pulling Jack into a tight hug.

“I love you so so much Jack, and don’t you ever forget that.” he whispered into the boy’s ear, before releasing him, waving at his ex-wife and son as they walked down to Haley’s car.

Turning back into his house, Aaron let the tears fall from his eyes, the ones he could not hold back anymore. He made his way to his desk, sitting in the chair, and letting his head fall down onto the table. He cursed his own stupidity for falling in love with the wrong person, ruining his whole life.

At least he was finally doing good. He would be making everyone’s lives easier, taking himself out of them, removing the cruel boss, the taskmaster, the one member of the team that never really fit into the little family they had created. 

He was better than Gideon too. He was going to leave them all letters, give them some conclusion, rather than leaving the wounds open - not that they would care. It was more to assuage his own fear of being like the man who had once been almost like a father figure to him. 

So he wrote, some notes short, some long, until he had a series of envelopes laid out on the table in front of him, one for everyone that mattered.

He slowly placed each letter in an envelope, reading their names and he went through, as an apology, a promise, an explanation. Soon they all lay in front of him, one for each of his team members, for Sean, for Jess, for Haley and for Jack. 

After a moment of sitting, staring blankly at the letters, he stood up, walking to his bedroom. He put on his best suit, slowly, knowing he had all the time in the world. Aaron slowly returned to the study, turning to the safe, unlocking it. 

He reached in and grabbed one of his guns, the weight feeling familiar from so many years with them by his side. Aaron turned the safety of the gun, turning it to his own temple, his hands shaking softly as tears glistened on his cheeks.

There was a loud knocking against the door, but he ignored it, hoping it was some door to door salesman who would leave in just a moment. But the knocking was persistent, and just wouldn’t stop. 

“Go away! I can’t come to the door right now!” His voice was weak and broke as he yelled out to the person on the other side of the door, his words punctuated with his soft sobs.

“Aaron, you can ignore my calls all you want. But I am not going to leave until we talk.” Aaron recognised the voice easily. David. Of course it was David. He was tempted to pull the trigger right there, but Dave standing right outside the door was making him hope, despite everything in him telling him that it was totally unfounded, that maybe there was still a chance that everything wasn’t completely ruined. 

Against all that his head said, he followed his heart in putting down the gun, and standing up. He stood at the desk for a moment, contemplating hiding the evidence of what he had planned to do, but it was pointless. Dave knew him all too well, and would be able to tell regardless. 

So he walked out of the study, and to the front door.

“Thank God you are okay!”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that I didn't offend anyone with that depiction of suicidal thoughts and all that. I just based it off of my experiences, which may not match other peoples. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated :) I hope you enjoyed


End file.
